Advice, Relationships

Bury the Past

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When you go into a new relationship after being in another one it can be difficult to enter with an open mind. Especially if the previous relationship was a long one. You became so accustomed to someone else’s mannerisms and behavior that you can attribute that same mentality onto the new person. Without realizing it, you think that the new partner is going to react or act just as the old one did. That isn’t fair to them or to yourself.

Try to fight against this and give the new person the benefit of the doubt and a clean slate. However, if you were dealing with a cheater and the new person is exhibiting some of the same habits, I would say to pay greater attention. It may be the same situation or you may be misconstruing their actions. There is a fine line to be traversed in these situations.

Any relationship involves a learning curve to truly understand the other person and their personality.

Sometimes we can become so fixated on having a happy relationship that we avoid asking the hard questions or really looking at someone objectively. We let our emotions cloud our judgment and make overreaching assumptions based on the simplest of actions. They held the door for me, they must be a gentleman. Maybe they were opening the door for themselves and you saw what you wanted to see! Observe more than the simple actions and allow yourself to have the difficult conversations. This leads to less confusion and miscommunication later.

You not only have to look at your partner but yourself as well. Maybe you are bringing in bad habits and behavior that you learned from previous relationships. Without realizing it, you are doing the same things that your old partner did that caused you grief or pain. This is especially dangerous when you are new to relationships and your first one wasn’t healthy. You may not even realize what traits were healthy versus unhealthy. This requires a great deal of reflection on your part along with reading and speaking with others.

Sometimes the things you thought were okay were really not but since you have no real standard to compare to, you just never noticed.

Some of the behaviors we exhibit don’t just come from our own relationships but relationships we witnessed. Whether that was from parents, siblings, or other friends. You think to yourself, that’s what they did so that’s how it is done. We blindly trust that our loved ones probably know best. Keep in mind that no one is perfect and sometimes those we care about and hope to emulate can do things or behave in ways that are not healthy or conducive to a thriving relationship.

You have to really assess what it is you want for yourself and what is healthy.

One of the best ways to do this is to remove yourself from the equation and paint the scenario as being experienced by a friend or someone else you care about. Would I think it was okay for my best friend to feel she constantly needed to check her boyfriend’s phone? Would I think it was okay for her boyfriend to demand to know where she is at all times of the day and be upset if she was out of reach for twenty minutes?

Removing yourself helps you better visualize the story you are living and recognize what is unhealthy.

And if you were wondering, both of these people are exhibiting insecurity in the relationship and need to question what it stems from. Is it from things they did to each other or their past? And if it’s from each other, they need to communicate their insecurities and try to understand why there is such mistrust between them.

In general, it is imperative that you give your partner the treatment they deserve solely based on their actions and not your history. Don’t assign the personality and mentality of someone else onto another person. You also have to check yourself and make sure you aren’t bringing bad behavior from your past into your relationship.

 

©JustTalkingShep 2019

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