Getting over a breakup is one of the hardest things to do. Especially if you invested a majority of your heart and emotions into the relationship. When you initially breakup, it can feel like an oozing, gaping wound and nothing seems to help. You sob, weep, and may even find solace in food or withhold yourself from food at all. Depending on the circumstances of the breakup, you may feel as if you’re drowning in unanswered questions, nursing a brutal betrayal, or angered at how it was done.
You could try to get over it poorly. Seeking the attention of your ex or trying to prove what they are missing without you. You could be like Jason Segel’s character of Peter in Forgetting Sarah Marshall and attempt to get over an ex by sleeping with other people. Prove that you are still desirable by being with someone else. Maybe hoping that if your body can get over them, your mind will follow. You could immediately run into another relationship without a second thought, despite you not being over the last one. You may even look to the new person because they remind you of your ex. Sort of like a replacement to what you lost. You could self-harm, or withdraw from everyone.
Everyone is unique and attempts to get over an ex can vary.
Healthy recommendations for getting over an ex, for the most part, involve focusing on yourself. Going to the gym, get a rush of endorphins to offset the pain you harbor from loss of your ex. Joining a class or taking up a new hobby to make new friends and take your mind off your ex. Expression in art through whatever medium you choose. Reading books on moving forward and to rebuild your self-esteem and confidence. Working through exercises to let go of the grief you have from the loss of the relationship. We usually think of grief as something reserved for the death of a loved one. However, when a relationship ends you are grieving what could have been and still need to work through those stages. This was one of the biggest revelations I had in trying to get over my ex.
I didn’t realize I was grieving the future I envisioned with them, what could have been.
It can be tempting to want to reach out for them to effectively close that chapter when you aren’t sure of why things ended or seeking clarity but a majority of the time that isn’t guaranteed. When this happens it is up to you to allow yourself to let go of those questions and move forward from that pain. You may never understand their why or point of view but you cannot remain in the past because they will not give you those answers. I had to have many imaginary conversations with my ex in order to move forward. This can sound foolish and ridiculous but surprisingly they did help. Honestly, I can still say I am not at full 100 percent in that effort but I am better than I was.
Moving forward in a healthy way is key. I reached a point where I was depressed and didn’t recognize myself or the decisions I was making. I couldn’t answer why I did the things I did because I didn’t understand the person I had become. Embittered, resentful, and angry over how things had ended and how I was made to feel. I had to remove myself in order to gain control of my emotions and become reacquainted with who I am at the core. Everyone’s journey to recovery after a breakup is different. The severity can vary based on the length of the relationship and the depth of emotions expressed. My best advice is to be true to yourself. Don’t do things in retaliation or to seek validation. Change in healthy ways that improve who you are and add to yourself as a person rather than subtract.
Below are some books I can recommend on moving forward:
- Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss Into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You by Susan J. Elliott
- The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book) by Don Miguel Ruiz
- Secrets About Life Every Woman Should Know by Barbara De Angelis
- Are You The One For Me? Knowing Who’s Right and Avoiding Who’s Wrong by Barbara De Angelis